I play kickball and it’s a ton of fun. Unfortunately, not being a baseball fan, I still struggle with understanding all of the rules. So the post on how to play kickball will have to wait. What I can speak on, however, is what to do when you’ve torn a muscle. Because I’ve managed to master that particular party foul.

About two weeks ago during kickball practice, I accidentally tore the crap out of my right quad muscle. If you’ve never torn a muscle, or it’s been a while since you have, let me remind you what it’s like: immediate-and-excruciating-drop-to-the-ground-and-roll-around-sobbing-hysterically level agony. I did not, however, act on that impulse, owing to the fact that I’m technically a grownup and I try to behave like one as often as possible. What I did do was attempt one more kick to determine whether or not it really was a game-over intensity injury, then quickly deciding this was the case, I limped pitifully in defeat to deep right field where I proceeded to pray the ball would not be kicked. (It was. Repeatedly.)