When I was a young trick-or-treater, you could’ve earned my affection forever by giving me a full-size candy bar, rather than the misnamed “fun size.” However, if a neighbor did choose to give out the fun-size serving, then I’d give them a pass if they doled out more than one piece per trick-or-treater. What I’m saying, of course, is that I wanted as much candy as possible when I was a kid, and I judged my neighbors if they were stingy or tried to give me something healthy.

Now, as an adult, I do see the rationale for not overloading a small child with candy. Obesity rates are climbing and dental work is expensive. Still, Halloween is a day for fun, not a day for diet tips. So to assuage my guilt about feeding young children sugar, I’m also going to feed them fun facts about the candy they are receiving. You can do this as well! Educating children is just as good as giving them an apple. And an apple could have a razor blade inside, whereas these fun facts will just make a kid razor-sharp.

I headed over to the National Confectioners Association for some candy-coated knowledge; all the bon mots below come courtesy of that site.

If you’re giving out candy corn on Halloween, say this: “Oh, it’s too bad you weren’t here yesterday, October 30th, as that is the official National Candy Corn Day. Please enjoy this single serving of candy corn, which contains 140 calories! As you eat this product, realize that you are part of a 35 million pound industry, as that’s how much candy corn will be produced this year. That’s 9 billion pieces! Doesn’t that make you feel tiny in relation to the rest of the world? Have a good night.”

If you’re giving out lollipops on Halloween, say this: “This here lollipop is nowhere near as big as the world’s largest lollipop! That lollipop weighed in at 4,031 pounds, or 1,828 kilograms (here, you might have to pause to explain the metric system and why the U.S. doesn’t use it) counting the stick! The lollipop that I am giving you is grape, but that record-setting lollipop was cherry. Weird owls may tell you that it only takes three licks to get to the center of certain lollipops, but I encourage you to think for yourself, small child. Cheerio!”

If you’re giving out jelly beans for Halloween, say this: “Do you have a good imagination? Then before I give you these jelly beans, you must visualize a plastic Easter egg that is as tall as a nine-story office building. What, you’ve never been in an office building? Well, you will one day, little one, as we all must sell our souls to the man and go to work. Well, anyways, imagine an Easter egg that is 89 feet high and 60 feet wide, and now imagine it full of jelly beans! An egg that big would hold 16 billion jelly beans! And that’s how many jelly beans will be produced in the United States for Easter. But Easter is months away, so I shall give you these jelly beans, wish you a Happy Halloween, and bid you adieu.”

If you’re giving out chocolate for Halloween, say this: “If you like this chocolate, you’re in good company, as 52 percent of U.S. adults said that chocolate was their favorite flavor. In fact, if you like chocolate, I’ll consider you much more mature than your Minnie Mouse costume would imply, as older children are significantly more likely to prefer chocolate than younger children, if the National Confectioners Association is to be believed. If the grocery store is ever out of whole milk, blame U.S. chocolate manufacturers, who use 3.5 million pounds of whole milk every day to make chocolate. If you’ll excuse me, I’m going to go have a glass now.”

Now, it’s possible that children won’t want to return to your house next year if you insist on giving out fun facts, but you can’t deny that they will be wowed, and maybe, just maybe, a little smarter. For more fun facts on candy, check out these articles from HowStuffWorks:
How do they make cotton candy?
What is chewing gum made of?
The Secret Life of Fudge