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How to Ask for a Wedding Gift of Money
October 14, 2009
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The much-desired toaster full of cash (© iStockphoto.com/Geoarts)
“Why doesn’t Crate & Barrel let you register for a toaster full of cash?” asked Pam Beesly on a recent episode of NBC’s “The Office.” See, Pam was marrying salesman Jim Halpert, and what the young couple really needed in this economy was cold, hard cash, not another toaster or a turtle (which was Dwight’s gift to the couple).
Pam isn’t the first bride to struggle with the etiquette of asking for moola; according to a 2001 survey conducted at WeddingChannel.com in association with American Express, 42 percent of betrothed couples consider the most challenging etiquette issue of a wedding to be requesting money as a gift. Is such a request acceptable? How do you ask without looking like a gold digger who didn’t find a loaded sugar daddy?
According to Peggy Post (Emily’s great-granddaughter-in-law), it’s perfectly fine to ask for money, but you must do so politely. Just as you wouldn’t run around screaming, “I registered for a $800 coffee maker!” you mustn’t go around screaming that you want cash for a trip to Bali. If you want to find lots of envelopes of cash on the big day, Post suggests telling close family and friends of your request, as they will be the ones often asked about what you’d like and where you’re registered. Such information, be it a traditional registry or a plea for funds, should not appear on the wedding invitation.
But just because you’re counting on checks with lots of zeroes doesn’t mean you can get out of registering. Some people may always find giving money tacky, and you must give those people the option of buying you towels or juice glasses. If you’re asked directly what you would like, you should be just a little coy before getting to the point. “I’m sure we’re going to love whatever you give us,” you can say, “but money is something we could really use right now.” For an extra touch of class, mention something specific that you need the money for, such as a down payment on a home or your honeymoon. It’s a little tacky to say that you need help paying for the wedding; after all, you don’t want Aunt Gertrude asking why you picked a five-layer wedding cake on her dime.
Some brides are setting up wishing wells at their weddings for guests to discreetly drop their checks, while others set up virtual wishing wells at sites like ourwishingwell.com or thehoneymoon.com, which allow guests to make their donation online. This might be especially useful for a bride in the midst of a last name change, as many newlyweds can face trouble cashing their checks if the name on the check doesn’t match the name on the identification.
If you’re a guest trying to figure out how much to give, Lisa Scherzer at Smart Money has a few suggestions. She cites one bridal magazine editor who claims $75 is typical; twice that if you bring a date. Another bridal editor tells Scherzer that you should shell out $75 to $100 for a co-worker, $100 to $125 for a relative or friend and $100 to $150 or more for a close friend or a close relative. There are exceptions of course; you can spend a little less if you fly all the way to Italy just for the wedding, and even the worst bridezillas should understand that your wedding gift budget is tight if you’ve been invited to five weddings in one month.
Here are some articles on potential registry items from HowStuffWorks:
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Comments
13 Responses to “How to Ask for a Wedding Gift of Money”
Sarah Dowdey says: As a former C&B employee, the worst tactic ever is registering with the full intention of returning everything for cash and credit. The sight of three cartloads full of unwrapped boxes with shreds of wedding ribbons and bows is extremely disheartening.
gina says: Boring and outdated. Have you been invited to, attended many weddings, or researched beyond google, little girl?
“a 2001 survey” and your “peggy post” article are from 2001 too??!!?? — you do know it’s almost 2010, right? I’ve heard of and attended plenty of weddings where requesting cash for X purpose (wedding, honeymoon, down payment on home, adoption, etc) is not only accepted, but welcome.
“For an extra touch of class, mention something specific that you need the money for, such as a down payment on a home or your honeymoon.” – That doesn’t even make sense; explain how that’s a touch of class, please, little girl. Or better yet, explain why in 2009 when people are losing their homes and jobs, it’s not classy to ask for financial help.
Think outside of what you find in lucid Google searches which yield 2001 results and put a little thought into what’s applicable today.
“and even the worst bridezillas should understand that your wedding gift budget is tight if you’ve been invited to five weddings in one month” – you should have probably mention that you have up to 1 year after the wedding date to give your gift, so it would be more thoughtful to give a more significant gift at a later date, rather than skimp out simply b/c you have 5 weddings in one month.
I frequently skim your column. Majority, not all, of these “how to” blogs are not enlightening or interesting. Step it up. I expect HowStuffWorks to do more than regurgitate or summarize Google finds. At least add some insight, or thought, or color and character like Josh, Chuck, Marshall, or Robert.
Molly Edmonds says: Be it 2001 or 2010, I believe Peggy Post would frown on calling anyone over the age of 10 “little girl,” regardless of the problems you have with her blog post.
Katie Lambert says: I think Gina’s definition of classy is my definition of unbearably tacky. Much like her idea of an insightful blog comment is my idea of borderline trolling!
Tracy V. Wilson says: Gina, we welcome debate, but please stick to constructive criticism rather than insults and name-calling.
I have some friends who had a green wedding — natural fibers in the dresses, wedding and reception held in the same place, potted plants as decoration, seeds and bulbs as favors, and the like — and as part of the theme, they specified no gifts, because they didn’t need any more stuff. Instead, they used a site called The Honeymoon Gift (http://www.thehoneymoongift.com/) so people could contribute to their honeymoon fund.
Candace says: Molly’s perspective is certainly not outdated or boring.
The golden rule of gift-giving etiquette doesn’t change from decade to decade or with the rocky trajectory of the stock market. Quite simply, give a gift that you can afford — preferably one that’s from the couple’s registry. If you are giving the couple a check or cash, tuck it in a pretty card and mail it to them.
Regardless of whether you’ve lost your job or home, you should never use your wedding as an excuse to guilt friends and family into padding your bank account.
(And for the record, Molly attended my wedding, caught the bouquet and gave a lovely gift. The perfect guest!)
As a bride myself back in April, who had been living with her boyfriend for more than two years, we did not want to overload our one-bedroom apt. with stuff we did not need. But, we also did not know how to ask for cash towards a wedding. It was tough because what is ‘considered’ normal in so many other cultures – giving cash – is considered rude in American culture. To help alleviate this, we came up with a unique wedding registry idea. We developed Hatch My House (hatchmyhouse.com) – an interactive House registry. Here couples can customize and personalize a house, and have their guests buy a part of the house e.g. a window for $75 or a door for $100. The money is then deposited into their PayPal account which is ideally linked to a home savings account. It a fun and more personal way to ask and receive money towards a home. Check it out and feel free to contact me with questions! 
Erin
Oh, correction:
I meant to say: “We did not know how to ask for cash FOR our wedding,” not “towards a wedding”.
Also, while we did set up Hatch My House (http://hatchmyhouse.com), we also registered at Macy’s for people who did not want to give on the website.
why not ask for gold and then cash it in, unless youtr are greek of course and you’ll get plenty of cash anyway
I got a wedding invitation a few years ago that outright asked for money as the gift they wanted.
I searched high and low for a Utah Wedding Photographer and found about 50 on the web. After checking through everyone and their portfolios and meeting a couple I thought this one was for me and my special day http://www.utah-weddingphoto.com It’s really a hard choice but for me they stood out – if you need someone perhaps take a look at their site… have a great wedding day.
Christina says: I used a website called myregistry.com so that I could register for cash and a few other gifts in the same place. We set up a couple different cash funds labeled with the different things we needed money for, like “house renovations,” “honeymoon,” and “new puppy fund” so that guests could feel like they were giving a more personal gift while still allowing us to get the cash we needed. We were able to put other items on our registry from anywhere we wanted (this really helped us because we are soo not a everything from pottery barn kind of couple!) so that people who didn’t want to give cash still had something to choose from. We used the site’s free eCards to get the word out and as far as I know, not a single guest was offended by our honesty when it came to what we really wanted.
I am so not giving you a hundred dollars, co-worker.