How-to Stuff
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How to Keep a Secret (according to a Harvard psychologist)
by Cristen Conger | July 10, 2009
Listening to music may distract you from spilling a secret.
When there’s an elephant in the room staring you down, it can be hard to refrain from acknowledging it. You try to put it out of your mind, but the harder you think about not thinking about it, the larger it looms.
I’m talking about mastering the basic irony of human willpower. People demonstrate incredible capabilities to not spill delicious secrets or avoid eating fried food or shun cigarettes after a stressful day. But as everyone knows, not succumbing to the vices you genuinely wish to best, i.e. gossiping, unhealthy eating or smoking, can be a tooth-and-nail fight for control over the mind.
Wired.com recently posted an interview with Harvard psychologist Daniel Wegner who has studied these “ironic processes” of the human brain. In a nutshell, Wegner has identified, via brain imaging, the struggle between conscious (“I can’t tell this secret, even though I really want to”) and unconscious mental impulses (letting the secret slip out) that fuel those so-called ironic processes. Essentially, when we’re under a lot of stress, those unconscious impulses kick into high gear (referred to as hyperaccessibility) and place our conscious efforts at a disadvantage. Wegner and other have documented this correlation between conscious secret-telling suppression and the unconscious mental recall of said secret in multiple studies.
What Wegner and associates have discovered in terms of mastering our secret-keeping and willpower in general largely boils down to a few pieces of practical advice:
• Stay sober — alcohol diminishes willpower (shocker!).
• De-stress — stress inhibits conscious mind control and facilitates hyperaccessibility, hence spillage of secrets.
• Write it down — Got a juicy tidbit ripe for the telling? Jot it down in a private journal. Experiments have found that expressing the mental obstacle helps eliminate the potential for an ironic process.
Or perhaps avoid hush-hush situations to begin with. Wegner also points out that an illicit love affair can be steamy just by virtue of the secrecy involved. In that case, it’s probably a secret not worth keeping.
More secrets revealed:
Did the CIA test LSD on unsuspecting Americans?
What really happened at Kent State?
10 of the Biggest Lies in History
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Lin says:
This is good advice lol
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S says:
That is uncalled for, I don’t care if you’re joking or not. It’s just 100% unnecessary.
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Awesome Addition!
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popurls.com // popular today…
story has entered the popular today section on popurls.com…
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Q says:
Haha. That was not uncalled for.
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Cristen Conger says:
Hey S and Q, the comment in question ran afoul of our visitor agreement (http://www.howstuffworks.com/terms-and-conditions.htm), so we’ve taken care of it. Gotta keep it clean for the kids…
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really looool=)))
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Umm anyone else need an article to tell them to keep their trap shut? I don’t..Wanna know how to keep a secret, don’t tell anyone, especially your wife.
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idamonster says:
A secret is just something you tell one person at a time.
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mobcommand says:
I agree, half the time these articles confirm common sense, and claim it as their own.
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rational thinker says:
When I was a psychologist doing outpatient psychotherapy, I was routinely learning secrets which were juicy, shocking, and sometimes put people at significant risk. I never had a problem maintaining anyone’s confidentiality. Now that I am in business I still learn many things in the categories listed above with much greater potential impact because people know I am trustworthy and keep secrets well. The secret to keeping a secret is not wanting to or having to tell it to anyone. I don’t need to impress others with the secrets that I know- to be seen as cool, powerful, or any other attribute. I don’t need their external validation and that is what many gossips seek. Similar dynamic works for congenital liars too.
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[...] How to Keep a Secret (according to a Harvard psychologist) When there’s an elephant in the room staring you down, it can be hard to refrain from acknowledging it. You try [...] [...]
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jporter852 says:
I’m sure that members of our Nice Government Agencies with three letters abide by such discipline…or do they? I believe that the human need for clandestine behaviour is imposed by our society, not by nature.
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Haha, rationalthinker, that may as well be but that doesn’t mean it’s not all about “you” regardless. In your short paragraph you managed to refer to yourself no less than nine times in a self congratulating light, while obviously using language intended to show off your education and prestigious backgrounds. I’m sure you’re trustworthy and I believe you when you say it, you egotistical schmuck. Many liars love to get attention and yet you claim to be better. I say these things for your benefit, not your detriment.
And all of this seems like common sense. Why do we need a study to tell us how to do the simple and right thing? I don’t understand how it’s so hard to keep a secret. If someone trusts you enough to tell you a secret, then unless it puts someone else at danger to keep it, out of common decency and respect for both yourself and that person, you keep that secret. It’s as simple as that.
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A secret can only be kept between two people if one of them is buried in the ground.
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I have never had any trouble whatsoever keeping secrets. No struggle at all.
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Emma says:
Well, I guess this is why PostSecret is so popular.
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efusjonjcy says:
Interesting article Cristen. The tongue can really be like small wood that starts big fires or helps put them out. Sometimes we all become the fool when our mouth opens. Only wisdom can teach us what happened the last time we did tell or say when we shouldn’t have. Hope we can listen…
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jpodair says:
There are no real secrets, there are just somethings that you do not know yet. Everyone has there own little bundle of secrets, some of which have a tremendous amount of power over our behavior. I likee the idea about getting what’s inside your head out on a piece of paper and then making a decsion as to what to do with that concrete piece of information,maybe letting it go and lightening the load. Peacefulness. Jerry
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JanuaryMorning says:
i think the main problem with this article is it doesnt help people distinguish between secrets they should or should not tell, which seems to be the biggest problem. Your friend is cheating on their significant other, probably not a secret you NEED to tell, but if your friend is physically harming themselves you definitely need to tell someone. Those are extremes obviously, but what about the gray area in between… you notice a friends been drinking a little more lately but tells you not to tell… your friend steals something… etc. The whole problem with a secret is, most of the time its used to cover up/hide things, if everyone wasnt so worried about others thought and could just express them freely there would be no need for secrets. Thats not to say you spout off anything that comes to your mind, but you wouldnt need to hide things.
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[...] la práctica, hay tres consejos simples para mantener un secreto que pueden ser extraídos de las teorías que Daniel Wegner ha elaborado sobre los procesos [...]
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fiddlist says:
I think it’s ridiculous to equate the willpower you need to quit smoking with the willpower you need to keep a secret. There’ve been times when I’d turn in Mother Theresa for a cigarette.
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If you do not have that urge to really quit smoking, there are other alternatives you can do. You can try using VirtuSmoke. This thing worked for me. You can still feel and taste the same satisfaction you get from other traditional cigars without risking your health.
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